Read what Brooke writes.

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08/23/11--21:36: Unsent Letter. (chan 1145805)



(Originally written December 16, 2010.)

You won’t hear this.  Maybe one day you will.  There’s so much I want to tell you.  I think about you more than I think about anything else.  I’m happiest when I talk to you.  This seems so unreal to me, the distance intimidating.  I’ve tried dating other guys, tried weaning myself away from the idea of us, but then I start to feel sick and fear one day you won’t be there, afraid that I hurt you.  I’m not happy with them cause I keep comparing.  I hear your voice and I can’t hear anything else.  I’m a silly girl, smitten and arguing with herself about what’s possible.  I’m afraid if I say these things to you it’d be too much and you’d step back.  So for now I’ll keep them with me, tucked away for another time, a better time.  But do know that I never want to hurt you, make you feel unwanted, or make you believe that you’re not good enough. 

You won’t hear this.  Maybe one day you will.  There’s so much I want to tell you.





08/23/11--21:44: Late Night Confessions. (chan 1145805)



(Originally written on February 21, 2011.)

Not dead, just not here
Why do I get this way?
With every conversation
every look, every smile
I feel it more and more:
You’re perfect and I need you.
I pretend you’re here
I can almost hear your voice
and what you would say
to make me smile
Then I realize it’s just pretend
and you’re not really here
and I’ve never missed someone as
mush as this.
I can’t move forward
but I can’t move on
I can’t sleep tonight
My chest hurts and
my heart feels like it’s
not mine
cause it’s yours
only you don’t know it
cause if I tell you
You’d be elated, I’m sure
But
I’m afraid I’d end up hurting you
and it kills me to think
of you in pain
I’m inconsolable
and I can’t breathe
Why do I get this way?




08/23/11--21:49: The Me on Meds. (chan 1145805)



(Originally written on December 23, 2010.)

So I’ve been on medication for depression and anxiety for about a month now.  I know it takes time to feel the full effect, to have the levels of chemicals build, adjust, and ‘correct’ what’s wrong.  Before I had overwhelming anxiety for seemingly no reason.  Years went by and I had this cloud in my brain.  I figured I was just hardwired this way, that this is the way I am, my demeanor.  Then I learned that the severity of how I was feeling wasn’t healthy.

I feel better now. I have a lot more energy, I get things done, I can wake up in the morning and feel something else other than panic.

But…

It’s strange to say, I know, but I miss the depression, or at least some elements of it.  Aside from the hopelessness and loneliness (which I don’t miss) I felt more creative, more insightful.  I paid attention to details more, was more observant in the little things in life.  I was able to sit down and tap into the abstract part of my brain and create something out of the pain.  Now I can barely sit down.  I don’t want to speculate about the world, I want to be in it.  I have a need to be on constant motion, to do everything.  Even now, as I’m typing this I’ve had the urge to get up at least 6 times if even just to walk around the room. 

I also don’t feel like me anymore.  Or maybe it’s just a different facet of me I haven’t seen yet?




08/23/11--21:53: For A Girl. (chan 1145805)



(Originally written on March 4, 2011.)

For a girl who
has never gotten flowers
Who sighs and says “It’s ok”
Who did everything in her power
to make lovers past happy
The kindness never reciprocated
She doesn’t believe in love today
She’s broken and jaded.

For a girl who
although seems transient in her affairs
is really just looking
for someone who cares.
To know what it feels like
to get lost in fairytale rapture
ends up on dead-end roads
stranded and unsure.

For a girl who
gives so much of herself
to me, to you
to collapse at the end of the day
is all she can do.
Taken for granted, used and tossed aside
Stuck in his twisted game
He’s bruised her heart and soul inside.

So close your eyes, pretty girl
breathe easy and deep
and take these words, like flowers
a gift for you to keep:

For all the sorrow you’ve felt and seen
the pain you’ve grown accustomed to
a love as great as the world is wide
will finally find it’s way to you.

Never alone
no tears from here on out
someone thought of you today
and tried her best write about
how

You’re so much more than you know.





08/23/11--21:58: My Adultered Science. (chan 1145805)



(Originally written on June 25, 2011.)

I love psychology. It’s my religion, my explanation of how my world works. But like some religious sects, psychology has a dark and inhumane history - crude experiments, how we treated the mentally ill, the eugenics movement. For decades an affair between the pharmaceutical companies and health professionals grew into a whirlwind romance of greed, hidden agendas, and corruption. While this relationship has long been known and criticized for some time now, it continues to hurt the general public around them. I can’t read a journal article about a new finding in treatment for a mental disorder without worrying about if the research is credible or not (thankfully, the professors at UNI were wonderful enough to drill that into my head and taught me how to differentiate between valid results and crap.) Even our so called “Bible”, The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), is criticized for it’s credibility, categorization, and treatment of these behavioral deviations.

The use of anti psychotics, SSRI’s and SNRI’s, stimulants, and the like to treat disorders that may or may not be legitimate is the biggest conflict I have within myself after years of studying human behavior. Some of the disorders I learned about seemed ridiculous to me as I found myself going through the ‘requirements’ (as outlined in the DSM) for various mood and anxiety disorders and saying “According to this I have this…and this…and this…and, oooh, almost that, but I’m one symptom short.” The exposure of drug policies working with psychiatrists to create disorders and diagnose the crap out of the public to make money off of prescription drug sales makes me want to vomit. Now, I elected to study psychology knowing that there were some problems, but this is insane.

None if this is new. I write this today because I needed to vent my frustrations about my chosen science. This union of drug companies and doctors has weakened that between psychology as a whole and the general population (“Doctors are quacks who dole out pills like candy/Therapy? A bunch of malarkey!/etc.”) I’m not saying that medication hasn’t helped AT ALL. For some they say it’s a miracle, for others it’s a nightmare. But if you do chose medication to treat whatever disorder they label you as pretty please do a background check on your prescribed drug and research alternative ways to cope with the symptoms of your disorder. Someday I hope we can restore the general public’s trust in psychology.




08/24/11--19:48: Photo (chan 1145805)






08/24/11--20:54: Photo (chan 1145805)






08/30/11--21:53: The Problem With Relationship Advice. (chan 1145805)

“No ones perfect/relationships are not perfect.”

I know that.  I never said I was looking for perfect.

I’m looking for someone who’s perfect for me.  Just because others want to put up with bullshit day after day from their significant other doesn’t mean I want to.

“You can’t help who you have feelings for.”

But it doesn’t mean that person is good for you or that you have to settle because “Well, all guys are douche-bags, so, might as well.”

“Every couple has it problems.  It’s normal.”

Yes, conflict is a normal part of being in a relationship, but what you fight about is the key.  Is it a fundamental issue or is it because someone’s being childish?

Good God, people, stand up for yourself!  Am I saying bolt when things start turning sour in a relationship, no.  But know when you’re fighting a losing battle.  Know when you SHOULD call it quits.  Life’s too short to be miserable. 




10/26/11--16:14: Drunk On A Gravel Road And I Though About You (chan 1145805)

10-22-11

It’s bullshit people who take their lives can’t go to Heaven (according to religion.)  People quick to say “People who commit suicide are evil/it’s a sin/whatever” don’t understand how complicated it is.  It’s not a quick and easy decision.  It’s a long term battle for most, some of which lose.

All you want is to not hurt anymore.  Why should God punish you for that?  Haven’t you gone through enough already? 

The sky was so big that day.  Colorful, wide and peaceful. 




10/28/11--09:04: I’m going to live here someday. (chan 1145805)





I’m going to live here someday.




12/06/11--18:26: You don’t have to starve yourself to be pretty.  Love... (chan 1145805)





You don’t have to starve yourself to be pretty.  Love yourself.




12/06/11--19:05: If you ever feel alone go here - www.postsecret.com You’re... (chan 1145805)





If you ever feel alone go here - www.postsecret.com

You’re not as alone as you think.




12/17/11--19:34: If You Lived Here You'd be Home by Now. (chan 1145805)

 

15 moves, 10 towns, 4 states…

…I’ve moved a lot in my 25 years on this rock.  Whenever I’m in a place too long I feel the need to move again.  I feel like I HAVE to move at the end of every lease.  But it doesn’t bother me - none of these places really feel like home, just another room, another place to sleep. 

I feel like I haven’t had a home for a long time. 

But I got to thinking - they say “Home is where your heart is.”  My heart doesn’t belong to a place, to a big apartment or a house with a yard.  It’s not with any state or the towns within them.  It’s with my sisters and my mom and all the friends I’ve made in those towns.  My heart is with the people I love.  And I know that sounds corny and sappy, but where I live, the scenery, it’s going to change and when it does all those friends, my mom and my sisters will always be there.  They’re the only consistency in my life.  So for now, home is in my family. 




12/19/11--19:19: Photo (chan 1145805)






12/19/11--20:06: noshirtnoshoesnosheldon: Tap on my window, knock on my door, I... (chan 1145805)





noshirtnoshoesnosheldon:

Tap on my window, knock on my door, I want to make you feel beautiful. I know I tend to get so insecure, doesn’t matter anymore. It’s not always rainbows and butterflies, it’s compromise, it moves us along. My heart is full and my door’s always open, you can come anytime you want. I don’t mind spending every day, out on your corner in the pouring rain. Look for the girl with the broken smile, ask her if she wants to stay a while, and she will be loved. 

She Will Be Loved - Maroon 5. 




12/19/11--20:07: Photo (chan 1145805)






01/02/12--20:38: Photo (chan 1145805)






01/04/12--22:19: Dear Dad II. (chan 1145805)



Dear Dad,

I miss you.  I don’t know why or how, I barely knew you.  Maybe I miss the idea of you, what I think it would be like.  Or maybe I miss the chance that passed and is gone forever.  Or it’s because I think I’m supposed to.  No, it’s not because I’m supposed to, I genuinely do.

I know now that it wasn’t my fault.  There was nothing I could say or do to change anything that happened.  I don’t how things would have been if we had been together.  For years I’ve dreamt up a scenario where we would meet after all that time and I wondered how I would feel.  Would it be awkward?  Would it be like we never left?  Would you try to make things right?  I’ve thought of a thousand things to ask you and I know there are a thousand more I haven’t thought of. 

Sam is hurting more than I am, and I don’t know how to help her.  I know she thinks the same, that we could have done something, saved you somehow, and instead feels we failed.  “Isn’t that what a child’s love does?  Isn’t it good enough?  Were we good enough?  Must not have been, you’re gone.”

Gone.  Forever.  For good.  You only exist now through fuzzy memories and one Polaroid photo and sometimes, when we’re brave enough, through short conversations.  And I can’t change anything that happened and it sucks. 




01/11/12--06:42: This is from the slut walk. One of the arguments is that... (chan 1145805)





This is from the slut walk. One of the arguments is that girls ask for rape because they wear slutty clothes, short skirts, tight, low-cut tops. This girl is an example of the fact that rape victims can look like anyone, you, me, this girl. Rapists. Dont. Discriminate.

An incredibly important message, rape is rape. no one is ever asking for it. a woman has the right to dress how ever they want - it is society that identifies risque dressing as ‘asking for it’, and in my opinion, that way of thinking needs to be diminished.




01/17/12--21:41: Your thoughts, Their words. (chan 1145805)

I watched’ Piers Morgan Tonight’ and Rosie O’Donnell was the guest for the evening.  I did not expect for her to put into words something that I couldn’t for years.  And let me tell you, it’s exactly how she describes it:

Rosie’s mother died of cancer when she was 10 years old and was buried in her 11th birthday.

Piers: “What do you think she would have made of how you have grown up?”

Rosie: “I don’t know. You know, I often think that my life would be totally different had she not died, but I don’t know in what way.  You know, when someone dies you tend to sanctify them and they become in your memory almost like a movie and I think if she were alive today we’d be great friends and we’d be going out together to events, or you know,but I don’t know because many of my friends have turbulent relationships with their parents, most of us, right?  But when a parent is gone for whatever reason you can make up something in your head about her.”